Is this life? - Instablogs
Is this life?
Angela , delhi: Sep 29 2008
Made Popular Sep 29 2008
India :

Is this life?

Life before and after marriage is really different....
Belonging from a small town and being younger in the family, I had a carefree attitude supplemented by talkativeness...I could not take anything seriously and used to believe everyone blindly...was unable to resolve my problems and was really dependent on someone or the other...

I married my best freind after an affair of more than 7 years... Before marriage like every other girls, I also dreamt of a family and nurtured the will to look after my in-laws and give them hardly any chance of complaints...

My husband’s job and my job brought us far away from our home and we started our life here in delhi...

My life completed changed after marriage like every other girls....I started changing from the very first day of my married life... I started looking at things critically...Every soul in this house seemed fishy....No one was ready to talk with me freely...I overheard some uncertain drawbacks from our side during the marriage... I could hear the same at my home also, which could still be overlooked since these sort of things are very obvious in social marriages...

It is said that marriage is not only the union of two soul-mates but two families as well...and I feel that it is very rightly said...I find hardly little faults with my hubby but our two families were never united...might be since every families have their own values which is very likely to be completely different...
but the very first day of my married life with my in-laws, I found that things were messed up somewhere...Gaps went on increasing...I found that I was never entertained or accepted in this new family of mine...All my efforts of making them happy and satisfied went haywhere...I believe that they must also be having the same feeling for me...

I am juggling everyday of my life to afford a metro-life between my work, my baby and every other day-to-day activities...I try to fulfil their desires when they come to stay along with us...But I am never recieved an inch of appreciation rather I had backbitings from them and could never make them happy at any cost...

Well, I could still take their attitude towards me but I can also see that they don’t love my daughter...Her birth seemed to be a curse for them for they desired a baby boy...I was hurted now and then for my baby whom we, as parents love so much and I think that even if I have a second girl child, there would be no differences among us...

Now that my baby is growing and has started speaking, I find that their they had changed better from being bitter....though I am sure that they still nurture the same attitude in their heart...In front of my husband, everything is just perfect and fine and as he turns his back things do not fall in place...

However, I think that if I cannot change their ways, I can not change things, I need to accept them as they are...good or bad...
This is life!!!!

Tags: India marriage life, girl child, Bias towards girl child
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Sasmita
2 Stars
Sasmita Sep 29 2008
pune, India
Tulika, why are you taking things so seriously? yes it hurts, if the in-lawas say bitter words, but there are good things as well related to marriage. If u love your husband and baby, then I think u have sufficient reasons to be happy.

If it’s obvious to dream of marriage, then one needs to understand the responsibilities and adjustment that comes with marriage. It seems u were not prepared for, or even thought abot that. Yes, it’s life, but not a bad life of course.
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Kuntal
1 Stars
Kuntal kuntalshukla.blogspo.. Sep 30 2008
Noida, Delhi, Kanpur, India
Yeah you are quite right,, BUT again,, ”its always easy to speak out, but hard to follow”
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Vijay
1 Stars
Vijay Sep 29 2008
Kota, India
Yes,it is,and you,analysed and experience it better Tulika.Also marriage is not only the union of two soul-mates but two families as well...and I feel that it is very rightly said.
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Deepak
1 Stars
Deepak Sep 29 2008
New Delhi, India
Yes, this is life...
Relationships are complex and hence better to do some kind of compromise, if not always. You said you love to make everybody happy then keep doing the same; the rest for sure will follow you …

You have a sensitive heart? God is there to guide you because he knows ‘how much is enough for whom’…

Best wishes...
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Sasmita
1 Stars
Sasmita Sep 29 2008
pune, India
Keep it in mind that it’s better have good relationship with people you are living with. The nearest family members are going to help you in time. Some sort of bitter adjustments are necessary for a good life. And give thanks to God for whatever you have got. Some people are not lucky enough to have at least this much (like marriage, kids, loving husband and a secure life).
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Oscar
1 Stars
Oscar Sep 29 2008
Oaxaca, Mexico
It is the same arounfd the world...What you must understand is you married your husband...not his father, mother, etc...While you are a wonderful woman to take such care of his family...remember in the end, a marriage is the creation of a NEW family...yours and your husbands...that is the only thing that truely matters.
Be strong, be kind, and be happy with and for you and yours..first and foremost.
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Leena
2 Stars
Leena Sep 29 2008
Kolkata, India
I can understand the trauma Tulika because I can relate to it very well. It looks as though you have written my story out there. Thankfully, I don’t have any kids and that’s the only difference. Tulika, I was so very suffocated emotionally and intellectually that it played havoc on my body. My husband, though a good guy doesn’t have the courage to stand up against his own people who are way too elderly (we are the youngest couple of our family). I was highly traumatized and was almost hospitalized. I was a very sensitive woman, but I started fighting it out. Now I am stronger and am seeing things in new a light and I know one day I’ll win over everybody and every situation.
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Salil
1 Stars
Salil Sep 30 2008
Kochi, India
Yes this is life. Your life has taken a miserable twist because of your depressing attitude towards life. I agree that not all married couples go through same phase or have same attitude or live in same environment. Remember, it takes two hands to clap.
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Alpheus
1 Stars
Alpheus alpheus-vertigo.blog.. Sep 30 2008
Rayagada, Orissa, India
@Salil

I don’t understand what you mean by ”it takes two hands to clap”. The lady here is talking about the attitude of her in-laws towards her. And it isn’t a one-off instance. I have witnessed all of it myself and believe there is nothing much women can do to change things. Dealing with people isn’t easy, especially when it’s within the family. I guess if you can endure it, you can overcome any challenge in life.
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Leena
1 Stars
Leena Sep 30 2008
Kolkata, India
correct alpheus...when ur in laws are pretty manipulative straight and innocent girls do have a problem. but they have to keep their courage and bravely see through the situation.
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Alpheus
1 Stars
Alpheus alpheus-vertigo.blog.. Sep 30 2008
Rayagada, Orissa, India
Yes Leena, it all comes down to how you ”see through” the situation. However, I believe not all in-laws are manipulative when they aren’t treating the girl well. It has got something to do with the huge generation gap, don’t you think? The way they have been taught to think and act wouldn’t be the same as the girl’s. So, the disconnect always leads to bitterness, isn’t it?
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Salil
1 Stars
Salil Sep 30 2008
Kochi, India
@ Alpheus

It is apparent that you are trying to score a few brownie points for yourself with the ladies here. What I meant to say is that the miseries of married women are often misinterpreted as being inflicted solely by her in-laws or insensitive husband when it is always not so. To make a marriage work and be happy, you need to be positive. Both the husband and the wife has to work this out. That's why I said two hands...
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Leena
1 Stars
Leena Sep 30 2008
Kolkata, India
yes, it takes to hands to clap.Only one hand cannot clap in positivity, how much ever it wants to. What can you do if your husband is scared of his people? Even though he likes you, he will not be able to support you. Can you alone clap?
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Leena
1 Stars
Leena Sep 30 2008
Kolkata, India
not all in laws are manipulative, alpheus agreed but there are definitely some ! I’ll come back to you with some examples and then you decide if my viewpoint is correct.
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Kuntal
1 Stars
Kuntal kuntalshukla.blogspo.. Sep 30 2008
Noida, Delhi, Kanpur, India
Well buddy, most of the time it starts, with a simple mistake from the new girl in the family, and i’ve also seen in 80% cases you will find this to be true - ”it takes two hands to clap”
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Angela
2 Stars
Angela Sep 30 2008
delhi, India
Thanks everyone for taking time to go thru this story, which took me such a long time to put into words and believe me its just the peak of the glacier...I just thought of sharing my views and I know that I not alone...Some people resist, others fight and still some others go on and accept it as it is...it takes many years to build a relation and just a few seconds to destroy it...I beleive that things will fall straight some day or the other...With my continued efforts and belief, I will strive and would like to see the end and hope the same with my counterparts, though I believe that every story does not have a happy ending....And yes, someone did rightly say that it takes two hands to clap and it again takes two hands to put things into the right place...Life is pleasent, cheerful and there are millions of other reasons to be happy...so lets just focus our attention towards the brighter side of life...Who knows wht it beholds for us?
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Oscar
1 Stars
Oscar Sep 30 2008
Oaxaca, Mexico
So much has to do with ”taking their boy”.. You will be challanged to see if you do things correctly or are worthey..But if they are doing it, they will only do it if you let them...My wife went through fierce, devestating issues with my sisters...and my mother (my father has always adored her..)..She was so hurt for so long, and unfortunately I was not supportive, as I just couldn’t see it...Finally she stood her ground..She told me staright..”I lived 18 years without inlaws, I don’t need them now..” She was never rude, she just didn’t back down ...My family now respects her and seek her...Actually it is they who seek her non-stop and worry she might be angry with them if for some reason she doesn’t call them for a while due to work, kids, etc. By standing up for herself, she proved to the women in my family that SHE is the matriarch head of the family and she is more than capable of managing it without them.
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Angela
1 Stars
Angela Sep 30 2008
delhi, India
I know that it is very tough for boys specially to support their wives on such issues...might be they fear that they will loose the support of their family forever and believe me, it is equally tough for women when they do not get back a positive response from their husbands...Everytime it is very difficult to point out things ...Everytime it is even difficult to overlook them and we are just very simple human beings with blood and flesh and hearts which gets hurted so soon, and your wife is lucky and courageous to stand through all these ... Might be God makes me stronger with time and I be able to straighten out things...
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Oscar
1 Stars
Oscar Sep 30 2008
Oaxaca, Mexico
It will not be easy, but be strong...Don’t stop expressing yourself to your husband...I would never try to hurt my wife and I never thought it wasn’t true, I don’t know...I guess I just didn’t really get how serious the situation was...So, keep your husband in tune, share with him...You stay STRONG..YOU are very important and obviously a wonderful woman, do not accept any less than that of what you are...
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Kimberly
1 Stars
Kimberly Sep 30 2008
Oranjestad, Aruba
guess you need some time off...take a break.. go out or something... bring yourself out of the shell that you are in and got out and smell the roses... trust me it will help...do something crazy.. learn to enjoy life
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Ramesh Balam
1 Stars
Ramesh Balam Sep 30 2008
Pune, India
Respecting your in laws is a part of your duty. I said, duty. Please don’t get emotionally attached to your duty. Just do it mechanically as you may be doing in your office.

The only one you have to please is God.

The only person whom you have to provide pleasure is your husband.

Love your baby whether it is a boy or girl. It is not in your hands to choose the gender of your child. I have seen many males who are worse than a female; for example Bobby darling of Bollywood.

Be busy. Time will fly like anything. Live your life happily; I mean as happily as possible.
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Kuntal
1 Stars
Kuntal kuntalshukla.blogspo.. Sep 30 2008
Noida, Delhi, Kanpur, India
Tulika,
its the matter of time now,, you need to accept the things as they are and just be honest form your side and leave the ball in the court of the family members,, once they won’t find any reactions (and if they are good from heart as well) the things will be alright very soon .

Any yeah most important thing i’ve noticed in such cases is COMMUNICATION GAP,, as you are living away,, just keep communicating to your family members in a nice way (just avoiding and ignoring any issues) and you will start noticing the changes in few months..!!

I’m suggesting this assuming that your situation started with some misunderstandings (which is a very general case in marriages) and which is very obvious when two different mentalities live together.
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Sasmita
1 Stars
Sasmita Oct 2 2008
pune, India
You may call it ”it’s easy to speak but hard to follow”. But it really works if you start thinking good. Of course cases are many when in-laws go to the extreme and tread too inhuman way. But Tulika’s case is not something like that. She has a loving husband which I think is a very good luck. If he understands her, then why to get tensed about other’s words?
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